How is Sania Gonna Play Tennis in Pakistan?

by Masood Hasan

What has Sania Mirza’s heart done to her head? 

From the toast of India to the breadcrumb of Dubai?

Here she was, the buzz of India, making one international appearance after another, even winning some tournaments now and then, possibly the highest paid athlete of her huge country, a fabulous advertisement for ‘Incredible India,’ and raking in advertising endorsements right, left and centre and then she loses the game and the match to the ‘munda’ from Sialkot. 

And even before the knot is tied and the Hyderabad girl arrives for her April wedding in Lahore, the spotlights are relentlessly focusing on her and the days ahead. 

Had she asked me for advice on getting married I would have repeated what G K Chesterton said. ‘Don’t.’ But she didn’t ask so that is water under the bridge or ball over the net. 

Someone has even suggested that Sania become psycho-coach to the otherwise brain-dead Pakistani cricketers! That should happen in ten years time when she quits tennis.

Between Sania Mirza, other than the matter of the telltale heart — and her beau Shoaib Malik of Mohalla Puran Nagar, downtown Sialkot, there is little to choose. She is something of a star that swept into the limelight in 2003 when she turned professional. Her ‘read and write’ as literacy is quaintly described here in ‘Not so incredible Pakistan ‘ is head and shoulders above Mr Malik’s whose ‘read and write’ is not. 

Sania is a graduate of St. Mary’s College and those who have heard her on TV chatting with the media know quite well that she is savvy, smooth and confident, at ease with the lingo and the world. 

Her counterpart is, on his good days, barely able to mumble a few disjointed words and the good old worn out clichés. ‘First of all thanks be to’…and his latest meanderings on Twitter, ‘…and the news of Me marrying to Sania is true…’ or the priceless ‘PCBs decision is totally unjustice…I will definiately take…’ Just two nuggets but you can see the drift. You could argue that English is not Malik’s mother tongue but when there are cultural differences like ‘read and write’ then the best of relationships shudder and twitch. 

It is then not much solace that both come from the same faith and that the Lady Sania doth pray five times a day and observe the Fast. Consider other glaring discomforts. 

Surprisingly Sania has won 113 of her 219 career matches giving her a 65 per cent win factor. 

Malik Sahib, pro since 1999 has an okay 10 year career – nothing earth-shattering. Although Sania’s current ranking is 92, a fall from where she once was at the top 30 mark it is still something to write home about. In her Doubles outings she has 82 wins out of 153 and her career prize money is US$1.6 million if my Latin is correct.

She was awarded the Arjuna Award in 2004 by India and two years later, the Padma Shri Award, the 4th highest honour in India. Mr Malik – well what can one say? 

In 2008 she represented India at the Beijing Olympics and is the first Indian woman to have won any Grand Slam event. 

Mr Malik threw away a first class match in a domestic tournament regarded as a heinous cheating act but escaped lightly and went on quite unashamedly to ‘represent’ the green blazer of this ill-fated nation. It’s a bit of a checkered career. About 1440 test runs at an average of 36 and almost the same average for ODIs and never a 10 wicket haul in a match or even 5. 

Then there are the fines and bans and charges of being a major disruptive mischief-maker on the disastrous tour of Australia. Is Shoaib’s family life going to be run on the same principles? 

There’s a ‘wife’ already in India who is gunning for our lad and he is on videotape after scoring well in Hyderabad that he was happy because it was his wife’s hometown. 

Sialkot is still a plum and poke town. One poke and you are plum out of town.

But we are not pitting them against one another you would say and they will not reside in balmy Sialkot – all that is indeed correct. This is not a bizarre singles match but a match that Sania’s mom said is made in heaven. Will it be blissful heaven? One wishes and hopes it will be but I am not holding my breath. In a marriage, sensible people don’t count who is giving up what to make things possible but it seems Sania Mirza might soon realise that from leafy Hyderabad to desert Dubai is not quite stunning. And Sialkot in spite of the Mundaya Sialkoti is not quite Florida. 

Of course the people who continue to drive whatever little remains of our tennis into the nearest wall, are ga ga and have already chalked out a plan that bears Don Quixote’s signature by which Sania Mirza or Mrs Shoaib Malik will give lessons to our women tennis stars. This cry will soon be replaced by shouts of Sania playing for Pakistan. 

Were she to do that or God forbid practice at the Lahore Gymkhana in her sexy, show-it-all tight shorts and tight T-shirts, the Zardari government will surely come crashing down as would the country. Toba, Toba. The moral brigade of the hairy-heavies including such stars as the defrocked Mohammad Yousuf, Gaddi Nasheen Inzamamul Haq and stoned Saeed Anwar will raise their eyes to the skies and ask for divine intervention. 

As for Sania playing in a burqa and six-yard shalwars, I am afraid Venus Williams will be laughing all the way to the bank……